An Alternative Christmas Carol - Episode 7

Yes, it's come to pass at last. You have reached the final episode of An Alternative Christmas carol, by Robert Cubitt

That sound you can hear is Charles Dickens whirling in his grave, so our apologies to him.

Now read on.

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Christmas Night - around 10 p.m.

Smooge sat in front of his roaring fire, a fat cigar in one hand and a snifter of brandy in the other. On the chaise longue a naked woman slumbered peacefully. On his return from his nephew’s house he had been delighted to find that his local brothel was not only open for business but also offered a take-out service.
   He could only dream of the day when Deliveroo arrived so he could order from home
  The gas lights flickered and dimmed and smoke whirled from the fireplace. Jacob Harley entered the room through the wall, on his arms he had his two demonic companions. Today they were dressed from head to toe in shining leather. In their free hands they carried whips which hissed and crackled and sparks flew when they flicked the tips of them in time to their walk.
  “Ah, Jacob. So nice of you to pop in. I do wish you would go easier on the special effects, though. All this smoke is ruining my décor.”

I had a bet with myself that you would disregard your visitors. You disappoint me.

“Why, thank you Ebenezer.” The two women detached themselves and went over to admire the form of the sleeping woman, allowing their whips to gently caress her naked body. “I understand that you heeded the warnings of the ghosts.”
  “I did indeed, Jacob. And I have to say that I have enjoyed this day immensely.”
  “I had a bet with myself that you would disregard your visitors. You disappoint me. I thought you were made of sterner stuff.”
  “I am, Jacob. I am.”
  “So what changed your mind?”
  “Several things.” Smooge took a long pull at his cigar and blew a series of smoke rings into the room. “The first is that Elisa deserved a day off from ministering to my baser needs. I have no desire to push her into the arms of some randy haberdasher. Besides, Scratchit would have had no idea how to cook that goose.
  Secondly, I couldn’t bear the thought of Tiny Tim dying. After all, who else could I exploit when I eventually have to pension Bob Scratchit off? Not that he’s getting a pension, of course.
  Thirdly, Christmas is only one day. There are three hundred and sixty four other days of the year when I can cheat and rob like any other self-respecting banker.
​  Finally I succeeded in ruining Christmas for my prig of a nephew and that holier-than-thou wife of his, which gave me enormous pleasure. I look forward to doing it again next year.”
  Jacob threw back his head and roared with laughter. “I knew it. I knew you would never change. Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you down below after all.”
  “Do I have long before we meet again?”
  “Only the good die young, Ebenezer, so be assured you have many a year left in you before we meet again.”  He turned to his female companions. “Now come along girls, leave the hooker in peace. We’ll get back just in time to find out who won I’m A Celebrity.”
  The two women cracked their whips over Harley’s head, producing a cloud of sparks as the trio faded from view.
   In his comfortable padded armchair, Smooge contemplated the start of the next business day. If things went to form he would open his doors to a flood of borrowers, crippled by the debts created by their own over indulgence. He smiled his cruellest smile and took a sip of his brandy. He wished himself the Happy New Year that he knew would be his anyway.   
​   In many ways he wished it could be Christmas every day.

THE END

So that is that. If you are looking for a moral to the story, it is probably that leopards are more likely change their spots than bankers are to become nicer human beings. The only time they have charitable thoughts is when they are tax-deductible.

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And if you have enjoyed this little story, why not find out more about Robert Cubitt's books. He usually writes more serious stuff. In fact, why not use some of the those Amazon vouchers you're going to be given for Christmas to to give his books a try? Just click the button to go to the "Books" page of this website to find out more.

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May we take this opportunity to wish all our readers, both of our blogs and our books, a very merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.