 Authors have a bit of a love-hate relationship with reviews. We all want them, because we know that reviews help to sell our books. But we don’t want the bad reviews, because they have the opposite effect, or so we believe. But the one thing an author can’t predict, is how any reader will view their work. No matter how good your book is, there is almost certainly going to be someone who doesn’t like it. Regular readers of this blog will recall the one where we noted Oscar Wilde’s less-than-charitable views on Dickens’ book “The Old Curiosity Shop” and Dickens was considered to be a giant of the Victorian literary world.  That’s the problem with reviews, we have no control over them. But a bad review can serve a purpose for an author. If we can identify what the reader didn’t like about our book, we can make sure we don’t do the same thing next time. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, so bad reviews provide learning opportunities. And if you are the sort of author that thinks they have nothing to learn from readers, you are probably doomed to get bad reviews forever. As a reader I do take a look at reviews, but I don’t actually read that many of them. You may think that is a bit odd, to look at them but not read them, but there is method in my madness. I mainly look at the split between the good reviews and the bad ones. If there are more good reviews than bad, then I’ll probably give the book a chance.  I do sometimes look at the bad reviews, to find out why the readers didn’t like the book. But I am very selective about the ones to which I pay attention. If a bad review is well written, in good English and provides valid reasons for why the reader didn’t like the book, then I’ll take it seriously. But if the bad review is just a short sentence which is mainly abuse, or if it’s written in a style that's the internet equivalent of a blunt crayon, then I don't take it seriously. I started using this method a few years ago, after reading hotel reviews on TripAdvisor. If someone has given a hotel a bad review, when everyone else seemed to be fine with it, then there has to be a valid reason (or so I thought).  I’ll give you an example. We were going to visit Crete and wanted a nice hotel, but at a budget price. I found one that seemed to fit the bill and started reading the reviews. Most people were very positive about the hotel, but there were a few one-star reviews, which worried me a little. So I looked at one of them. The author of the review complained bitterly about a road running between the hotel and the beach. Apparently, the hotel’s website hadn’t mentioned it and he thought that he should have been told about it, as the hotel was listed as “beachfront”.  Well, we booked that hotel anyway, because both the location and price were right. And the road? Well, we expected to find a six-lane superhighway with cars whizzing up and down all day and all night at 100 mph. What we found was a very narrow road used to service the beachfront hotels and the number of vehicles using it each hour could probably be counted using the fingers of one hand. And they were being driven with caution. It took three paces to cross it (I counted them) and there we were, on the beach. So how was the hotel otherwise? It was OK. Actually, it was more than OK. We had a very nice week, ate some good food (OK, it wasn’t Michelin star standard, but it was tasty and plentiful) and drank some nice wine and all within our budget. We were happy to post a 4-star review after we got home. And that’s why reviews have to be treated with caution, especially the bad ones. People get upset about the strangest things and they take it out on whoever is handy. In the case of TripAdvisor, it’s the poor hotel owners who bear the brunt and in the case of books it’s the author of the book they just read.  So, if you are an author and you get the odd bad review, please remember that you can’t please everyone. And if you are a reader, please remember that if the majority of other readers thought a book was worth four or five stars, then it is probably worth giving it a go. And if you are a reader who is going to post a bad review, please make sure that the standard of English you use is at least as good as that of the author you are about to criticise. It also helps considerably to say why you didn’t like the book. You will have your reasons, and the whole purpose of the review system is to share those reasons with others. Is there a “good way” of writing a book review? Author Luisa Plaja offers this advice.  Write a couple of sentences telling the reader what the book is about. Keep it short and simple; this shouldn’t become a synopsis of the book. For those readers familiar with the term “elevator pitch”, think about it like that. Tell the readers what you liked about the book. Even the worst books have some redeeming features, so make sure you write about those. After all, the author deserves praise for giving you the things you enjoy.  Tell the readers what you didn’t like about the book. This is the justification for awarding anything below 5 stars for the review. Even if you still award 5 stars, there may be something that you didn’t like, even if it was only a minor flaw. Be quite specific about what you did and didn’t like. Was it a character? Was it something in the plot? Was it the author’s use of language? Focus on why you didn’t like whatever it was, because that is what people always want to know. Whatever it was, the author may benefit from your insights and they can then correct the issue in their next book – which means you get to read better books. Obviously, the balance between the lengths of the paragraphs describing what you liked and what you didn’t like should reflect how you felt about the book as a whole. If you liked the book, then the “good” paragraph will be far longer than the “bad” paragraph.  Summarise your review with your overall impressions. If you are mainly positive, then your summary should also be positive and vice versa. But don’t just repeat the previous paragraphs. Although Luisa Pelja doesn’t mention it, we think it is helpful to mention the genre of the book up front. After all, readers don’t want to waste their time reading a review of a book they are unlikely to buy because it isn’t in their preferred genre. Here at Selfishgenie, we also make our recommendations clear: yes, definitely read this book if you like this sort of thing, or no, steer well clear. Is there anything a reader shouldn’t put in a review. Luisa Pelja doesn’t offer any advice on that, so we will.  Don’t be abusive.
First of all, the author didn’t set out to write a bad book so they shouldn’t be abused for trying their best. Secondly, your opinion of the book is just that: an opinion. It isn’t a fact. Abuse isn’t constructive – it’s destructive. There is no beauty in destruction. Finally, abuse tells the world more about the abuser than the abused. The book reviews we publish on our website mainly conform to the format described by Luisa Peljac, but we do go further. That is because our reviews are also blogs. They are intended to go further than just looking at the book; they also provide information about the author, what sort of people may enjoy the book and maybe a few homespun stories about how the reviewer stumbled across the book in the first place. But for reviews that are posted on Amazon, Goodreads etc we stick to the basic format described above. And finally, if you have enjoyed this blog, found it entertaining or informative (or maybe all of those), be sure not to miss the next edition by signing up for our newsletter. We promise not to spam you. Just click the button.
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 Following on from last week’s blog about literary figures insulting each other, I received quite a few emails giving examples of more general insults. So many, in fact, that I have decided to do a blog just on them. First of all, some of these may be quotes from the writings or speeches of other people, living or dead, so I beg forgiveness from those whose words I have used without giving them the usual citations and credit. However, so many of these are now going around the internet that they almost fall into the category of “public domain” – even if they don’t fit the legal definition of that phrase. So, be flattered that your words have found such fame. But my thanks to all my readers who have taken the time to send these in. Without you I would have had to apply some original thought to write this week’s blog and that would have made my head hurt. I’ve tried to place all of these into categories, but some would fit into more than one and some don’t fit anywhere, so I’ve included them under “miscellaneous”.  Appearance
You’re not ugly, you’re just someone it’s hard to look at. You’re so fat, people jog around you for exercise. (I could have done a whole blog on fat jokes alone, but this is my favourite). I’m not saying you’re ugly. It's just that you're 8 beers away from being my type. Who gave you that haircut? Do you want me and the boys to go around and beat him up? Mirrors can’t talk. Lucky for you they can’t laugh either. Halloween finished yesterday, so you can take your mask off now. You are living proof that there is no God, because God is supposed to have created mankind in his own image and no one would worship a face like yours. Everyone has the right to be ugly, but you abuse the privilege.  Dress sense I’m sorry, were we supposed to dress stupid today? I know that sometimes fashions come back around a second time, but you won’t see that style again until the next time Halley’s comet appears. I know your look is supposed to be ‘old school’ but schools were never that old. You do know that this office doesn’t have a “dress down Friday”, don’t you? Besides, which, it’s Monday. Wurzel Gummage was on the phone. He asked if he could have his suit back. I see you had another power cut while you were getting dressed. I didn’t realise you were so brave until I saw what you were wearing.  Ego NASA called; they asked you to step to one side because your ego is blocking out the Hubble telescope. It’s been several centuries since they discovered that the world revolves around the Sun and not around you. NASA called. They’ve finally built a rocket big enough to match your ego. Your biggest fan is the one on the ceiling. Do I think you’re clever? I’m sorry, but my mother taught me not to lie. If you were as great as you think you are, someone else would have noticed by now. You are the very definition of “Z List celebrity”. Do I know who you are? Of course I do. But I have to serve you or 'll get lose my job.  Intelligence I’m surprised at your level of stupidity. If stupidity was a currency, you would be a billionaire. Of course I talk like an idiot. How else could you understand me? Your head is just there to keep your ears apart. I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you. Fools are temporary, but stupidity like yours is forever. If brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your hat off. Somewhere out there is a village that’s lost its idiot. I’d have to have my head amputated before my IQ would be as low as yours. Without stupidity, there would be no way of recognising intelligence, so in that sense you are important. It’s always been said that two heads are better than one, but not when one of them is yours. It’s the university on the phone. They’re trying to find out how long a human can live without a brain and want to know how old you are. Quick, stand next to me. I need to look good and next to you I look like a genius. I used to say “please engage brain before speaking”. Then I met you. Now I say “please engage brain before thinking”. It’s a good job that stupidity isn’t a crime or you would be serving a life sentence. I’ve just realised that you aren’t as stupid as you sound. No one could be that stupid and still be capable of breathing. Miscellaneous Please don’t interrupt me when I’m ignoring you. Allowing you to survive childbirth was medical malpractice. I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse. How can I insult you? Nature has done such a great job already. Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you? I went looking for your family tree and it turned out to be a bonsai. My door is always open, so feel free to leave anytime now. Of course I’ve got time to see you. How about 30th February? Be kinder to your parents. Don’t go home so often. I've researched your family crest. Apparently it's an anchor with the letter W above it.  Offence (the taking of) You find it offensive? I find it funny. That’s why I’m happier than you. You only feel offended because what they said applied to you. Honestly, I didn’t mean to cause offence. That was just a happy accident. (Best read in a Yoda voice) Cause offence did I? Don’t care a bit do I. I will defend to the death your right to be offended if you will defend to the death my right to cause offence. No, I wasn’t offended. He was right, I am a stupid idiot. And you are an even bigger idiot for not knowing that.  Personality I won’t say you are shallow but compared to you a puddle has hidden depths. Life is good, you should get one. You are an oxygen thief. You are a waste of good skin. I’d like to say it’s been a pleasure meeting you, but I’d be lying. I’ve just discovered that there is a God. I asked him to punish me and then you turned up. Compared to hearing one of your stories, the ticking of a clock is an entertainment. With all the wonders of technology: photoshop, auto-tune, plastic surgery, it’s such a pity that there’s nothing it can do to improve your personality. You have given a whole new meaning to the expression “sour grapes”. You are the photoshop of truth telling. Yes, you can help me solve my problem. Go away. Being here with you makes me want to go to the dentist. It will be so much more fun. That wasn’t a round of applause, that was just everyone slapping their own faces trying to stay awake while they listened to you.  Relationships.
My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships. You deserve someone like you. You two deserve more credit. Thanks to you, two other people are living happier lives with someone else. I’d say you had bad taste in men, but then again, in life you get what you deserve. Sleeping around isn’t classed as a hobby. Relationships aren’t like shopping. You don’t get a bigger discount the more people you sleep with. When I asked the name of your last sexual partner, I didn’t expect the name of a football team. And finally If you are the sort of person who enjoys insulting others, just remember that what goes around, come around. And if your favourite insult isn’t amongst the ones above, please feel free to send it to me and it may appear in a future blog. if you have found this blog interesting or informative, make sure you don't miss future editions by signing up for our newsletter by clicking the button below. We promise not to spam you and you can unsubscribe at any time.  Mutual support To see the way that authors support each other on social media (for the most part) it would be easy to think that things have always been that cordial in the writing fraternity. Sadly, they have not. In the past it was quite common for authors to insult each other. Even in quite recent history there has been the odd barbed comment. Now, I must make it clear that I am not advocating a return to such uncivilised behaviour. But a good insult, delivered with wit, can be a source of humour.  An Ancient Greek being insulting While there is evidence that goes all the way back to Ancient Greece, when playwrights used to insult each other’s works, they tend to become more witty as we get closer to modern times. Shakespeare is now a revered literary figure throughout the world, but it wasn’t always so. In his own time he came in for a fair share of insults. Fellow playwright Ben Johnson once said of the Bard of Avon “I remember, the players have often mentioned it as an honour to Shakespeare that in his writing (whatsoever he penned) he never blotted out a line. My answer hath been, would he had blotted a thousand.” OK, it’s not quite up there with “Your Momma” but it’s quite a damning criticism.  Irish poet and playwright Oscar Wilde, thinking up new insults. Oscar Wilde is well known for his caustic wit. After spending time “at Her Majesty’s pleasure” as a guest at Reading high security hotel (prison) he commented “If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners, she doesn’t deserve to have any”. However, that is beside the point. On writing and writers Wilde had a lot to say. This one probably holds good today. “In olden days, books were written by men of letters and read by the public. Nowadays books are written by the public and read by no one.” If you are an author and are having trouble getting readers, Oscar Wilder foresaw your pain.  Over the years there have been some great rivalries in literature and the rivals didn’t always play nicely. William Faulkner was accused by Ernest Hemingway of being under the influence of alcohol while he wrote. He said “I can tell right in the middle of a page when he’s had his first one.” Given Hemingway’s own reputation as an imbiber, that may be seen as a pot-and-kettle sort of remark. In retaliation Faulkner quipped. “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” Personally, I’d find that a recommendation. When I’m reading, I don’t want to have to keep looking up words to find out what the author is talking about. But maybe that’s just me. But in return for that slight, Hemingway came back with “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” Hemingway seems to have attracted a lot of criticism from fellow writers. In 1972 Victor Nabokov said, “As to Hemingway, I read him for the first time in the early ‘forties, something about bells, balls and bulls, and loathed it.” I was always taught not to speak ill of the dead and Hemingway died in 1961, so he didn’t even get the right of reply.  Lord Byron, who should be careful of whom he insults if he's going to dress like that! Two great rivals of late 18th and early 19th century poetry were Lord Byron and John Keats. I think it was true to say that Byron wasn’t exactly an admirer of Keats, if this quote is anything to go by: “Here are Johnny Keats’ piss-a-bed poetry, and three novels by God knows whom… No more Keats, I entreat: flay him alive; if some of you don’t I must skin him myself: there is no bearing the drivelling idiotism of the Mankin.” Ouch.  A victim of misogyny? Jane Austen Male authors aren’t always gentlemen. In an era when it was considered a great social gaff to insult a woman, Ralph Waldo Emerson said of Jane Austen’s writing “Miss Austen’s novels . . . seem to me vulgar in tone, sterile in artistic invention, imprisoned in the wretched conventions of English society, without genius, wit, or knowledge of the world. Never was life so pinched and narrow. The one problem in the mind of the writer . . . is marriageableness.” But he wasn’t the only one to be critical of Austen. Mark Twain, never a shrinking violet, said of her work “I haven’t any right to criticize books, and I don’t do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can’t conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read ‘Pride and Prejudice,’ I want to dig her up and hit her over the skull with her own shin-bone.”  J K Rowling And things haven’t changed much since. Harold Bloom proved himself to be quite ungentlemanly when he said of J K Rowling “How to read ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’? Why, very quickly, to begin with, and perhaps also to make an end. Why read it? Presumably, if you cannot be persuaded to read anything better, Rowling will have to do.” Bearing in mind that Rowling aimed her books at younger readers, that was a trifle harsh coming from an adult. Bloom was about 70 then, so a little old for Harry Potter I would have thought. Sometimes these things can form chains. Gore Vidal said of Truman Capote “He’s a full-fledged housewife from Kansas with all the prejudices.” While Capote said of Jack Kerouac “That’s not writing, that’s typing.”  But for my final literary insult I return to the daddy of them all, Oscar Wilde, Having read The Old Curiosity Shop, by Charles Dickens, Wilde offered this opinion: “One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell without laughing.” I wish you better criticism than that, and for my closing quotes I’ll return firstly to Ernest Hemingway, “Critics are men who watch a battle from on high and then come down and shoot the survivors”.  Constructive criticism And secondly to Brendan Behan: “Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves”
Just remember that last one the next time you get a less than fulsome review. And if you are going to be critical of another author's work, at least try to make it witty. Who knows - you might even be quoted in a blog like this. If you have found this blog interesting or informative and you would like to make sure you don't miss future editions, why not sign up for our newsletter? Just click the button below. We promise not to spam you and you can unsubscribe at any time. |
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