If You Weren't Being So Offensive, I'd Find That Funny

Following on from last week’s blog about literary figures insulting each other, I received quite a few emails giving examples of more general insults. So many, in fact, that I have decided to do a blog just on them.
 
First of all, some of these may be quotes from the writings or speeches of other people, living or dead, so I beg forgiveness from those whose words I have used without giving them the usual citations and credit. However, so many of these are now going around the internet that they almost fall into the category of “public domain” – even if they don’t fit the legal definition of that phrase.

​So, be flattered that your words have found such fame.
 
But my thanks to all my readers who have taken the time to send these in. Without you I would have had to apply some original thought to write this week’s blog and that would have made my head hurt.
 
I’ve tried to place all of these into categories, but some would fit into more than one and some don’t fit anywhere, so I’ve included them under “miscellaneous”.

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Appearance
 

• I’ve heard of being hit with an ugly stick, but you must have been beaten senseless.


• Why did the chicken cross the road? Because your face scared it away.

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You’re not ugly, you’re just someone it’s hard to look at.

You’re so fat, people jog around you for exercise. (I could have done a whole blog on fat jokes alone, but this is my favourite).

I’m not saying you’re ugly. It's just that you're 8 beers away from being my type.

Who gave you that haircut? Do you want me and the boys to go around and beat him up?

Mirrors can’t talk. Lucky for you they can’t laugh either.

Halloween finished yesterday, so you can take your mask off now.

You are living proof that there is no God, because God is supposed to have created mankind in his own image and no one would worship a face like yours.
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​Everyone has the right to be ugly, but you abuse the privilege.

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Dress sense

I’m sorry, were we supposed to dress stupid today?

I know that sometimes fashions come back around a second time, but you won’t see that style again until the next time Halley’s comet appears.

I know your look is supposed to be ‘old school’ but schools were never that old.

You do know that this office doesn’t have a “dress down Friday”, don’t you? Besides, which, it’s Monday.

Wurzel Gummage was on the phone. He asked if he could have his suit back.

I see you had another power cut while you were getting dressed.

I didn’t realise you were so brave until I saw what you were wearing.

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Ego
 
NASA called; they asked you to step to one side because your ego is blocking out the Hubble telescope.

It’s been several centuries since they discovered that the world revolves around the Sun and not around you.

NASA called. They’ve finally built a rocket big enough to match your ego.

Your biggest fan is the one on the ceiling.

Do I think you’re clever? I’m sorry, but my mother taught me not to lie.

If you were as great as you think you are, someone else would have noticed by now.

You are the very definition of “Z List celebrity”.

Do I know who you are? Of course I do. But I have to serve you or 'll get lose my job.

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Intelligence
 
I’m surprised at your level of stupidity.

If stupidity was a currency, you would be a billionaire.

Of course I talk like an idiot. How else could you understand me?

Your head is just there to keep your ears apart.

I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.

Fools are temporary, but stupidity like yours is forever.

If brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your hat off.

Somewhere out there is a village that’s lost its idiot.

I’d have to have my head amputated before my IQ would be as low as yours.

Without stupidity, there would be no way of recognising intelligence, so in that sense you are important.

It’s always been said that two heads are better than one, but not when one of them is yours.

It’s the university on the phone. They’re trying to find out how long a human can live without a brain and want to know how old you are.

Quick, stand next to me. I need to look good and next to you I look like a genius.

I used to say “please engage brain before speaking”. Then I met you. Now I say “please engage brain before thinking”.

It’s a good job that stupidity isn’t a crime or you would be serving a life sentence.

I’ve just realised that you aren’t as stupid as you sound. No one could be that stupid and still be capable of breathing.
 
Miscellaneous
 
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m ignoring you.

Allowing you to survive childbirth was medical malpractice.

I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.

How can I insult you? Nature has done such a great job already.

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

I went looking for your family tree and it turned out to be a bonsai.

My door is always open, so feel free to leave anytime now.

Of course I’ve got time to see you. How about 30th February?

Be kinder to your parents. Don’t go home so often.

I've researched your family crest. Apparently it's an anchor with the letter W above it.

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Offence (the taking of)
 
You find it offensive? I find it funny. That’s why I’m happier than you.

You only feel offended because what they said applied to you.

Honestly, I didn’t mean to cause offence. That was just a happy accident.

(Best read in a Yoda voice) Cause offence did I? Don’t care a bit do I.

I will defend to the death your right to be offended if you will defend to the death my right to cause offence.
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No, I wasn’t offended. He was right, I am a stupid idiot. And you are an even bigger idiot for not knowing that.

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Personality
 
I won’t say you are shallow but compared to you a puddle has hidden depths.

Life is good, you should get one.

You are an oxygen thief.

You are a waste of good skin.

I’d like to say it’s been a pleasure meeting you, but I’d be lying.

I’ve just discovered that there is a God. I asked him to punish me and then you turned up.

Compared to hearing one of your stories, the ticking of a clock is an entertainment.

With all the wonders of technology: photoshop, auto-tune, plastic surgery, it’s such a pity that there’s nothing it can do to improve your personality.

You have given a whole new meaning to the expression “sour grapes”.

You are the photoshop of truth telling.

Yes, you can help me solve my problem. Go away.

Being here with you makes me want to go to the dentist. It will be so much more fun.

That wasn’t a round of applause, that was just everyone slapping their own faces trying to stay awake while they listened to you.

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Relationships.
 
My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

You deserve someone like you.

You two deserve more credit. Thanks to you, two other people are living happier lives with someone else.

I’d say you had bad taste in men, but then again, in life you get what you deserve.

Sleeping around isn’t classed as a hobby.

Relationships aren’t like shopping. You don’t get a bigger discount the more people you sleep with.

When I asked the name of your last sexual partner, I didn’t expect the name of a football team.
 
And finally

If you are the sort of person who enjoys insulting others, just remember that what goes around, come around.
 
And if your favourite insult isn’t amongst the ones above, please feel free to send it to me and it may appear in a future blog.

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