Dear Auntie Vera

This week we have lent our blog to the famous advice columnist (also know as an Agony Aunt), Auntie Vera*. Read on to discover what advice she offers the lovelorn, the confused and the downright bewildered.

​Dear Auntie Vera,
 
I love dancing and like going out dancing on a Saturday night, but my boyfriend just wants to stay in and watch Match Of The Day. What should I do?
 
Signed, Dancing Queen.
 
Dear Dancing Queen, Get a new boyfriend.

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Dear Auntie Vera,
 
When we first started going out, my boyfriend used to dress smartly, talk to me about my interests and pay attention to my needs. Now we’ve been going out for a while he just wears trakkie bottoms and a filthy tee shirt, talks only about football and ignores me unless he wants sex. What should I do?
 
Signed, Peeved
 
Dear Peeved, Get a new boyfriend.
 
Dear Auntie Vera,
 
My girlfriend has just dumped me because I wear trakkie bottoms and a filthy tee shirt, talk only about football and she says I ignore her except for when I want sex. What is her problem?
 
Signed, Gooner.
 
Dear Gooner,
 
Look in a mirror. Would you date you?

Dear Auntie Vera,
 
I have often thought that I might make a good agony aunt. I like people, I’m a good listener, I have a lot of life experience and people listen to what I have to say. What do you think?
 
Signed, Auntie Velma.
 
Dear Auntie Velma, you sound like a crashing bore. You will probably do well but stay off my patch or you’ll get a visit from the boys!

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Dear Auntie Vera,
 
I’ve just met this fabulous footballer and I think I love him, but I’m not sure I can trust him. He has a bit of a reputation and I’m worried that if I marry him he might cheat on me. What should I do?
 
Signed, Football Flirt
 
Dear Football Flirt, get a pre-nup, marry him and then wait for him to do the inevitable. You’ll get half his money in the divorce settlement.
 
Dear Auntie Vera,
 
I’m a very rich footballer and I can have any girl I want. Indeed, I’ve already had most of them, but I’ve just met this gorgeous girl and I’m worried that she’s only after me for my money. What should I do?
 
Signed, Fickle Footballer.
 
Dear Fickle Footballer, You’re arrogant, overbearing and you have the personality of a crustacean. Of course she isn’t after you for your money. She loves the real you. Marry her. Agree to whatever she asks for in the pre-nup.

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​Dear Auntie Vera,
 
I post lots of things about myself on social media, including photos and most of my personal issues, my likes and dislikes and my political and religious views. I really like the publicity so much.

​But that isn’t my problem. My problem is that the newspapers keep writing stories about me as though they know me. Do you think my phone is being bugged?
 
Signed On-line Celebrity.
 
Dear On-line Celebrity.
 
Are you really that stupid?
 
Dear Auntie Vera,
 
Whenever I go on social media I get bombarded with advertising. But the puzzling thing is that the advertisements are all for products I have done searches on, or I have posted comments on in other people’s posts. I’ve even shared some of them. I did a quiz about 1970s pop bands and then got advertisements for products aimed at people in their 60s. It's almost as if the advertisers know me. Is this a coincidence?

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Signed Social Media Junkie
 
Dear Social media Junkie. Are you really that stupid?
 
Dear Auntie Vera,
 
The world is going to rack and ruin. What should we do?
 
Signed Desperate.
 
Dear Desperate,
 
Go to Tenerife instead.

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Dear Auntie Vera,
 
I am an author plagued by feelings of doubt about my talent. I don’t think my work is good enough, despite the fact that lots of readers buy my books and post nice reviews about them. What should I do?
 
Signed, Doubting Wordsmith.
 
Dear Doubting Wordsmith,
 
The short answer is “grow a pair”, but I doubt that this will satisfy you. So, here’s the psychobabble answer.

There is nothing unusual about doubting our own abilities. In fact, it is healthy to do so as we then try to do better. But don’t let doubt cloud your belief in yourself. Let others be the judge of your talent, as they will see it through different eyes. Only if the readers say you have no talent should you re-think your life choices.
 
Dear Auntie Vera
 
I have just signed a book deal. How much am I allowed to brag about it on social media?
 
Signed Proud Author
 
Dear Proud Author.
 
Brag about it as much as you like. Nobody of social media gives a you-know-what anyway and it is better than boring your family and friends with the news.

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Dear Auntie Vera,
 
I’m a member of a writing community that uses the hashtag #WritingCommunity on social media. They all say how much they support Indie authors, but very few seem to buy any of the work by them. Is it all talk?
 
Signed Puzzled Tweep
 
Dear Puzzled Tweep.
 
Yes it is all talk. Everything you see on social media is all talk. That’s why social media exists.

Social Media "communities" give the illusion of providing support or taking action, while not actually having to do anything. But you can be different and take action by buying the books of other Indie authors. But you probably won’t because that requires you to take action too and if you wanted to do that you wouldn’t be asking me questions to which you already know the answers.

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Dear Auntie Vera,
 
No matter which political party I vote for, the same politicians seem to get elected. I don’t mean they are from the same party; I mean they just do as little as the previous lot. Is it me?
 
Signed Frustrated Voter.
 
Dear Frustrated Voter.
 
No, it isn’t you. To quote Emma Goldman “If voting changed anything, it would have been made illegal”.

Politicians stand for election because they have failed in just about every other walk of life. If they were clever, they’d be working in commerce or industry earning twice as much money. If they had real compassion, they’d be working for a charity on half the money and making a real difference to people’s lives.

There is a famous line from George Bernard Shaw’s “Man and Superman”. “Those who can, do. Those who can’t do, teach.”** I’ll add to that with my personal view, “Those who can’t teach become politicians”.

The people they are elected to represent have no further say in what the politicians do, at least until the next election, when they probably won’t vote him (or her) out of office because they could never vote for “the other lot” (regardless who the other lot are). This is a consequence of tribal behaviour and and the need to feel that we belong somewhere. This is why people also support failing football teams and talentless celebrities.

So, we keep getting governments made up of people who lack any real talent, who rely on their manipulative Civil Servants to do most of the work, who want to please their financial backers more than they want to solve the nation’s problems and who cling onto power by making it seem they are doing something when whatever they are actually doing will change very little and which will benefit their financial backers the most.

This applies to all the political parties, not just to the one that is in power at the moment. It probably also applies in all countries.

​Please remember all that the next time you step into a polling booth. But whatever you do, don’t stop voting. One day you may vote for that rarest of beasts, a politician that really wants to make a difference, instead of one that just says they want to make a difference.

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* Auntie Vera is not a real person and all of the above is intended as satire. Please do not take either the questions or the answers too seriously. However, satire is based on real life and usually carries its own lessons within it.

** Any teachers offended by this quote should complain to George Bernard Shaw, not to Selfishgenie Publishing. We happen to think teachers are great and do a wonderful job. Is that enough grovelling yet?

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