Golfing Wit And Wisdom

This week we have turned our blog page over to one of our authors - and a golfing nut - Robert Cubitt to take a lighter look at his favourite game.

As a bit of relief from the seemingly endless politics and talk of war, this week’s blog is for the golfers amongst you, but I hope that non-golfers will also enjoy it.

My thanks to all my fellow golfers who have unwittingly contributed to this page with their comments and jokes, on and off the golf course. Not all of them were meant to be funny, but so many of them were.
 
A husband and wife, both golfers, were discussing the future when the wife said “If I died, would you marry again?”
“Well, my dear, a man gets lonely so I might. But I could never find another like you,.”
“You wouldn’t let her wear my clothes, would you?”
“Of course not, my love."
“You wouldn’t let here wear my jewellery, would you?”
“Of course not, my dear.”
“And you wouldn’t let her use my golf clubs would you?”
“They’d be no good to her; she’s left handed.

---

They stood at the altar, waiting to be married. The bride-to-be looked down and saw a set of golf clubs beside her new husband's feet. "What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs?" she whispered. "Well," he said, "this won't take all afternoon will it?"
 
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
 
I was playing so badly that I decided to throw my golf clubs in the lake – and missed.
 
“How was your golf game?”
“Oh. You know, hit and miss!”

---

 Golf, bloody golf!

Golf is what you take up when sex becomes too demanding.
 
Golf is the ultimate triumph of hope over expectation.
 
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. 
        
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse 

---

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other faults.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
        
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.  
        
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree.
        
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

---

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. 

The Pro's say you should take a divot the size, shape thickness of a dollar bill. Mine are the size, shape thickness of a rugby ball.
   
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
        
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
   
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; ie. back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

If playing a "provisional ball" always results in a shot that is far better than the original, why don't golfers play their provisional ball first?

---

The ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
        
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is the one in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is the one in the footprint
         
It's easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 a.m. to mow the lawn.
    
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).  
   
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a golf cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.

---

When practicing your putting on your living room carpet always remember that the ball will break towards furniture but away from walls.
 
You have just missed a fairway that’s fifty yards wide, so what makes you think you’re going to be able to hit your ball through a gap in the trees that’s less than a yard wide?
 
10 Things in Golf That Sound Dirty......
​
 
     1. Look at the size of his putter.
     2. Oh shit, my shaft’s all bent.
     3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
     4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
     5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
     6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
     7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
     8. Just turn your back and drop it.
     9. Hold up, I've got to wash my balls.
     10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

---

Caddies are the unsung heroes of golf. They have the golfing knowledge of an encyclopaedia, the patience of a Saint and the wit of Oscar Wilde.

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." 
Caddy: "Do you think you can keep your head down that long?" 

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." 
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." 

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" 
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now." 

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually." 
 
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence." 

---

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." 
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass." 
 
Golfer: "How do you like my game?" 
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf." 
 
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? 
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
 
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." 
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

---

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." 
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
 
Golfer: “I don’t think my game could get any worse.”
Caddy: “Give it time, sir, give it time.”
 
Golfer: “Can you give me any suggestions?”
Caddy: “Have you considered taking up fishing?”
 
Robert Cubitt has taken another irreverent look into the golfing world with his book “The A To Z Of (Amateur) Golf" and some of the illustrations from that book have been included in this blog. To find out more about the book, just click on the cover image.

If you have enjoyed this blog and want to be sure not to miss the next edition, why not sign-up to our newsletter? We promise not to spam you and we'll even give you a free ebook for signing up. Just click the button below.

---

Newsletter