The Top 10 Worst Christmas Presents

This week we hand over our blog to author Robin Saint, who wanted to plug his book "Outlaw", but we wouldn't let him.

​The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and aren't necessarily those of Selfishgenie Publishing.

It is that time of year again, and no matter how hard I may try to avoid it, it’s not going to go away. So, if I have to address the subject at all, I may as well make this blog useful.

​If you are one of those gift givers that has a natural talent for choosing the right thing, then this blog may not be of much use to you – but for everyone else,, you may find it useful.
 
Oh, by the way, just because the recipient said ‘Thanks, it’s just what I wanted” it doesn’t mean they meant it. They may have just been trying not to hurt your feelings. Look at the eyes – are they smiling as much as their mouth?

​As a male, this list tends to be focused on what men like or don’t like to receive, but I’ve added a special section at the end that hard won experience tells me what women don’t like. 

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The Top Ten Worst Christmas Presents

1. Anything that the giver would not appreciate if they received it themselves.
2. Handkerchiefs – come on people, where’s your imagination?
3. Socks – see item 2. 
4. Underpants – See items 2 and 3. Unless you are volunteering to return later and remove them from the recipient’s nether regions with your teeth, don’t bother. (but see item 5 re suspicious wife.) 
5. After shave lotion (and other scented liquids) – Usually only given by people who have never stood close to the recipient and therefore don’t know he doesn’t wear it. I even know of men with luxurious beards who have received aftershave lotion. If you haven’t been that close then don’t give it. If you have been that close it’s an insult as it suggests that the recipient has an odour that needs masking and therefore it isn’t in the spirit of Christmas (even if they really do pong). Especially don’t give it if it’s your favourite scent on a man. It will make his wife/partner suspicious. 
6. Kitchen utensils/equipment and other household stuff – Unless it’s for someone who is setting up their first home and they’ve specifically asked for these things. Any person that has lived away from home for more than a couple of years has probably got all they need already. I’ll make an exception for wine glasses as these tend to fall victim to late night excesses and parties. Never give a man cushions. We don’t “do” cushions. 
7. Anything that needs assembling – This is OK for children as their Mum/Dad will be delighted to spend hours putting it together (tee hee). But for adults, they would prefer that whatever it is comes ready to use. 
8. Anything that is given ‘just for a laugh’ – this will seem like a bah humbug sort of reaction, but unless you are very familiar with the recipient’s sense of humour you can’t know that they will find it funny, and therefore they may be more offended than amused. 
9. Religious paraphernalia  - You have the right to believe in whatever you wish, but you don’t have the right to impose your beliefs on anyone else – even if you thinks it’s for their own good. Actually, that makes it worse because you’re being judgmental as well.

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10. Anything to do with astrology, feng shui and other “ancient wisdom” or “new age” philosphies. – See also item 9. Come on people, we live in the 21st century. 

The reason people believed in this stuff in the past was because they knew no better. We do know better.  It doesn’t work and never worked.

Events will happen or they won’t happen. They can’t be predicted and they will still happen or not happen no matter how you arrange your furniture, place crystals around the room or make things smell. If you dance naked in the moonlight on Mid-Summer’s eve and then win the lottery the next day then it’s a coincidence. You would still have won the lottery if you’d stayed fully clothed and gone to bed instead.

The only people whose fortunes improve through belief in this stuff are the people who make, sell or publish the garbage that perpetuates this superstitious mumbo jumbo.
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You may think it odd to exclude presents related to religion and superstition from a list related to a religious holiday, but I make no apologies. I celebrate Christmas as a tradition, much the same as I do Halloween, not as a religious act.

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My Top One Best Christmas Present.
 
A gift that suggests that the giver has spent some time thinking about the recipient’s personality, their hobbies and pastimes, their lifestyle and other character related traits. If they enjoy gardening, make it gardening related. If they enjoy long walks in the country, make it something that can be used on long walks, or which inspires them to find new places to go for walks.
 
It might not be what they wanted, but it will show that you cared enough to think about it and, as we all know, it’s the thought that counts.  It will also show that you read this list.

What not to give a woman.

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1. Sexy underwear or lingerie.

I’m not being politically correct here, it’s just that men usually get it so wrong. They buy what they think is sexy, or imagine is sexy, not what the woman will feel comfortable wearing. It can make a woman feel like a sex object and that is something the modern woman is unlikely to appreciate. Even if she doesn’t object on the grounds of feminism, the man’s taste in such garments is likely to make a woman cringe. Best to stay away from that whole lingerie area – and probably night attire as well.

​You can't win, so don't try.

2. Perfume. Of course, many women love perfume and it is actually a good gift – if you buy the right perfume. Women are very fussy about their scents, so buying the perfume that has the most pretentious advertising campaign rarely works. If you want to buy perfume, do some research. Ask her best friend what she wears, ask her Mum, her sister, ask just about anyone who knows her. If you live with the woman in question, or have access to her bedroom (not in a creepy way) then check out the dressing table. The favourite perfume will almost certainly be in pride of place and the bottle will probably be almost empty because it is used so much. Memorise the name. Write it down. Have it tattooed on your arm if necessary. Just a tip - if it costs less than £50 ($60) then it probably isn't the right perfume.
 
3. Kitchen or household goods or appliances. Already mentioned above, but this is a particular no-no for husbands and boyfriends to give. A quick way to spend Christmas Day in frosty silence is to buy your beloved a new vacuum cleaner, a set of matching bath towels or, even worse, kitchen towels.

4. Never give a woman bathroom scales or anything weight loss related - unless you like eating hospital food. You may think this shouldn't need saying, but I know at least one man that made that mistake (unsurprisingly, he's now divorced).

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How to get the right present for a woman
 
Listen!
 
Since the beginning of November, possibly earlier, the woman in your life has probably been dropping hints about what she would like for Christmas.

​If she’s been stopping next to jeweller’s shop windows, in the perfume departments of department stores, asking you if you like such and such a dress in a shop window, she hasn’t just been making idle conversation, she has been telling you this is what she really, really wants. If she said she’s always wanted to drive a Formula 1 racing car, then she wasn’t just fantasising, so get her an Experience Day so she can live her dream.
 
With regard to Experience Days, do be careful. Thinking ‘she’ll love this’ is dangerous if she hasn’t said she would love it. It’s also dangerous to assume that she’ll enjoy doing something as a couple. Just because you want to jump out of an aeroplane at 10,000 feet it doesn’t mean that she does.
 
Spa days and pamper days are popular with most women, but they aren’t a solo experience. Either you have to be prepared to go with her, or you have to give it as a day for two people so she can take her bestie.
 
If your beloved hasn’t been quite so forthcoming, then ask her to make a list and e-mail it to you, with links to web pages where you can see the items for yourself. Make sure you pick one item from the list and you can’t go wrong. It isn’t romantic, but it works. The surprise element comes from her not knowing which item from the list you will choose. And if you want to receive a present that you will enjoy, then make sure you have a list. People will ask the special someone in your life what you would like for Christmas and if they have a list, they can answer.
 
And if she doesn't seem that excited when you hand the present over, at least you have the excuse that it was on the list.
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And if you love her, make sure that your Christmas present to her tells her so.

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Tips for everyone
 
Amazon wish lists are very useful. Set one up and make sure people know where to find it. Even if your friends and relations don’t shop on Amazon, they can still check out your list to get ideas for what to buy from wherever they do shop.
 
Personally, I think you can’t go wrong with a book both for men and for women. If you know what sort of books the recipient likes to read, then choose the latest best seller in that genre (but it is worth checking with a family member or friend to make sure they haven’t already bought it for themselves}. If they are a sports fan, then a book related to their favourite sport ticks two boxes at once. 
 
If you are thinking of giving a book, then check out the “Books” tab on this website for some great ideas - especially for lovers of sci-fi, World War II action and golf. (there's a particularly good one on there about Robin Hood but Selfishgenie won't let me tell you its title).

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